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Welcome to Ask Sam!
Life…It’s the class that was never taught in school. It’s the endless series of choices with no right or wrong answer. It’s a real life version of a ‘choose your own adventure’ story.
It’s 2AM, I’m sitting in my kitchen, I’m 24 and I don’t have a clue.
As I get older my late night talks have shifted from whether or not to endure the consequences of breaking curfew, to whether or not to endure the consequences of following my heart. I can’t remember which morning it was when I woke up and realized that my decisions today actually impacted the rest of my life.
Sometimes so much freedom is immobilizing.
So what do I know?
I know that Life is about being true to who you are; that Life is not a waiting game and that Life is a continuous toast ‘To No Regrets’
This column is for young women, by young women-I say it like it is, I’ll tell you the truth and I’ll give you perspective- Who better to seek advice from, than those asking themselves the same questions you are?
It’s 2AM in the kitchen-Bring something to the table...
asksam@heronlinenetwork.com
Hi Sam,
I am wondering if you can help me with this problem. One of my good friends has been dating an older guy for several months. She is crazy about him and thinks he is the most fantastic guy, but I disagree. I think he is a complete jerk and is just stringing her along. I am really worried that he is going to hurt her, but I don't know how or if I should approach her about it. She pictures her life with this guy. How can I warn her about this without insulting/offending her? I don't want to see her get hurt!
Thanks for your help
Torn (N.Y.)
Hi Torn,
Great to hear from you, you're in a tough situation, but this is how I see it. It's not about what you say, it's how you say it. If you really believe that this guy is bad news, if you can bring up tangible examples of things he's done that have rubbed you the wrong way, then go for it and say something to your friend. Sometimes when we're in love we don't see things objectively…more often than not and we need someone to give us a kick!
Before you speak to her however, just think about how you're going to say it. All you really want to convey is that you love her and are looking out for her and that if you don't voice these concerns than who will? Let her know that, as her friend, you want to be honest with her and then share your reservations.
You might want to avoid telling her he's a complete jerk because what you might find offensive about him might be the exact same qualities that made her fall in love with him.
So be honest, because that's what she counts on you for. Tell her why you think she might want to take a step back and simply consider what you're saying.
Bottom line is, she's going to do what she wants and if she's as in love with him as you say she is, she probably won't listen to you. If she's going to end it with him, it will have to come from her, as much as you may be dead on about him. The next best thing you can do is be there for her when/if he messes up. All anyone really wants is the support of their friends and to be accepted no matter what they do or who they're with.
Good luck! You're a good friend.
Live it up
Sam
Hi Sam,
How does one go about choosing a university that's right for them?
Thanks!
Freshman (Boston)
Hi Freshman,
That's a sweet question as well as a loaded one. I know when I was deciding between universities it was, at the time, one of the hardest decisions I had to make. In a way it's the first time in our lives where we feel like we have a say in where the next couple of years are going to take us and all we want to do is create the most amazing experience for ourselves.
This is how I see it-When choosing a school what it really comes down to is what do you want to get out of the next few years of your life? Is it a degree in a particular field of study? Is it the overall university experience of being away from home? Is it about living in a different part of the country or maybe a different country altogether?
To help you narrow it down, consider these three factors: Your program, the location and where you are right now in your life.
If you have a specific program you want to do, that automatically limits your choices and amongst those you might already have your number 1, 2 and 3 picks. Location is also a major factor. Do you want to live at home? Close to home? Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend to factor into the equation? Do you want to be near your friends? Or do you want to go somewhere you've never been, regardless of which school it is.
Lastly, look at what you want to get out of this. Do you simply want any degree so you can continue with grad school? Do you want to party every night and experience what it's like living alone for the first time? Do you want a reputable school that will ensure you get a job right after you've graduated?
Truth is, nothing's carved in stone and if you decide you don't like where you are you can always switch schools. You never know when you begin whether you've made the right decision, but follow your instincts and trust yourself and you'll end up making the most of wherever you end up.
Be Kind To Your Liver
Live it up
Sam
Sam,
I need advice! I've just recently broke up with a guy I dated for over two years. I want to be single for awhile but it's hard for me to maintain. Then I met this guy, older, good looking, successful, but he has a terrible reputation for being a player! What do I do???
Yours Truly,
Stuck in Nebraska! ; )
Hey Stuck in Nebraska,
I'm sorry to hear you just broke up with your boyfriend, that can't be easy. To be honest it's a hard time right after a break up to be 100% single, there's always the rebound factor which more often than not, helps propel you to get over the person you were just with. However, that being said, I think being single and making a conscious effort to do so, is admirable and will only give you perspective and further insight into what you want out of your next relationship.
This is how I see it: First- Ask yourself, why you want to be single? If you know what you want to get out of this, it's easier to follow through with it. Once you've done that, treat this phase of your life like you would anything else that you genuinely want. Go after it and stick to it.
Since you've broken up with your boyfriend I'm sure there's been a large void in your life-time that you used to spend with him, is now free or extra time. You must fill it! Fill it with things you love to do, activities you want to get better at, hobbies you've always wanted to start but never got around to, anything other than dating men and searching for your next boyfriend. Stay busy both mentally and physically doing things that inspire you, spending time with people in platonic relationships.
If you really want to stay single, focus your attention elsewhere and maintain it as hard as it might be. If you need the random 'outlet' now and then to release some of the stress, I suggest you invest in 'The Rabbit'. Did you ever see the Sex In the City episode where Carrie and Sam had to intervene and take away Charlotte's new 'best friend' because she wouldn't leave her bedroom?
Just remember this is about you and what you need right now. If this is something you really want then don't' sell yourself short; Even if there is a hot, successful older guy just around the corner-stay strong! You'll be better off for it when you do decide to date again.
In the meantime buy a vibrator!
Live it up
Sam
Dear Sam,
All I want is casual sex. Why can't a woman today have casual sex with a man, without further connotations being implied? It seems like men can have their cake and eat it too, yet when a woman wants to do the same thing, there's a double edged sword. Help me have casual sex without chasing the men away into thinking I want to get married!
Alabama
Van City
Note To Readers: I want to hear what you have to say about this question. Bring on the comments and advice.
Dear Alabama,
I'm curious as to which men you've been having sex with, because from the sounds of it you're a man's dream.
This is how I see it-What it comes down to is expectations. For the most part, women don't expect men they go home with for a one night stand, to call them the next day or to want anything more. On the flip side, when a woman takes a man home for the night, the man assumes that now she must think they've taken things to the next level. Many men back off before you even have time to explain that all you are doing is using them and want nothing more. (this is a great generalization there are obviously exceptions)
It's a tough situation, but what I'd say is to be incredibly upfront from the start. Either before, during or after, I'd lay it out there and say: Just to make sure we're on the same page I'm not looking for anything from you other than sex. It sounds a little harsh and to the point, but at least this way there's no misunderstandings and you'll be able to continue sleeping with him on your terms.
On the other hand if you're not being sexually satisfied, you can always ask him to clear out a drawer and make room for your toothbrush.
Live it up
Sam
Hi Sam,
I have been with my company for over a year now, how do I ask for a raise? Any tips on negotiation?
Thanks,
Sincerely
NERVOUS TO ASK
Hey Nervous to Ask,
First, when asking for a raise don't be nervous. You have to believe that you not only want this raise, but deserve it for the incredible work you've been doing (assuming you do a decent job) What it comes down to is not what you say, but how you say it.
Tell your boss that you really enjoy being with this company and have loved working under them as you have gained immensely from their leadership over the year. As a result your passion for the business has increased and you feel you have already taken on more responsibility in the past little while and are looking forwards to taking on more in the future. This can lead nicely into the fact that you want to speak to him/her about a raise. Ask your boss for his/her idea about where he/she stands on giving you a raise, as it's something that you'd like to discuss as you continue to grow within the company. The fact that you are asking for a raise only shows initiative, fearlessness and motivation to continue producing wonderful work. If you say it with respect and in a way that doesn't sound like you are demanding more money, rather you want to negotiate, your boss will think more highly of you and want to accommodate you as best he/she can.
In terms of negotiating, start off slightly higher than you want and be reasonable when he/she bargains you down. It's always good to do some research about what other jobs pay for your type of work and position, so you have some leverage and a basis to start from. Some companies have pay brackets so you might have certain confinements that you will have to negotiate within-then again you can always push the envelope and see what you can get.
Good Luck-Don't Cave!
Live it up
Sam
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